You’re 3 years old; your mother is warning you not to talk to strangers. You see the expression of worry on her face; you sense that she is saying this for a reason. It’s not like “Stop picking your nose Richard!”. This time there’s a pleading, worried, emphatic tone in her voice. “Don’t talk to strangers; they can take you away and hurt you, and mummy will be so worried if that happens. Please be careful darling.” Remember that conversation.
Now this is awesome advice in the context of the world of a 3 year old ….. but not so good if you’re 40, self-employed and trying to pay a mortgage, school fees, car payments, credit card debt, service the loan you took out to set up your business, perhaps pay monthly royalties or interest payments … oh, and put food on the table.
Got young kids? Does your mother-in-law live miles away? So it doesn’t matter what the kids look like then?
Philip Larkin – This Be The Verse
They f*** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were f***ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself
OK, another mental script on permanent loop in our brains many of us run is …….
“Don’t interrupt” sometimes with the additional “I’m busy”. You came in from school and your father was reading the paper, balancing the cheque book (my personal phobia because he was so miserable and grumpy all the time when he was doing this and for several hours afterwards) or watching the news for the umpteenth time that day. Or your mother was busily involved doing something for you to prepare you for the following day at school and you wanted their attention. Instead they sent you away with a fly in your ear because what they were doing felt more important to them than what you wanted to talk to them about.
Now this one is a biggie. Are you ready for it? Think about this …… when was the battle of Hastings? Which year?
Did anyone not get 1066?
Ok, why do we nearly always answer questions? Gatekeepers’ questions, prospects’ questions …. we always seem to be answering them, don’t we.
RULE: ‘The Gatekeeper is not your mother’
This means you don’t have to answer the gatekeepers’ questions but we do. Why? Imagine you’re about 5 or 6.
Mum: “Tom, where have you been?”
You: “Nowhere”
Mum: “Don’t lie to me Thomas, where have you been?”
You: “Nowhere!”
Mum: “Thomas, for the last time answer my question. Where have you been?”
You: “Hrrrrrmmmppph! Just outside playing on my bike”
Mum: “Didn’t I tell you to come in and finish your homework half an hour ago?”
You: (sighing) Yes!
Mum: “Then why haven’t you done it? Get upstairs now and finish it. Then come downstairs, wash your hands and tell me why I shouldn’t tell your father!”
You: “Oh OK. Please don’t tell daddy.”
Mum: “Well run up stairs and do as you’re told. Be a good boy!” (as she shakes her head)
This scenario played out countless times in different contexts time and again in many of our childhoods. Or was it just me?
Our high need for approval is a killer. One client of mine, a lovely guy. He’s bright – an IQ well above mine – articulate, historically very competent worked for a global engineering brand had a punishing father. Not physically punishing as far as I’m aware, but nothing “Frank” (name changed to protect the innocent) did was every quite good enough. A “b” grade should have been an “a”, coming 2nd wasn’t good enough despite the fact he’d tried so hard and worked his way up from 5th or 6th last time ….. and he carries this baggage with him to this day. He spends his time seeking approval of strangers because he can’t get it from his dad. And his mother tells her friends “Frank used to work for Rolls Royce … but now he sells some consulting thing!” Apparently she actually does this. “Frank” has doubled his income in 3 years going self employed but because of his need for approval he holds himself back.
Put these scripts and the many others “It’s rude to talk about money”, “he’s busy, he must be important”, “children should be seen and not heard”, “be nice”, “CHEER UP!” and so many others have messed us up. They don’t mean to mess us up but they do …….
Larkin’s right. (You always knew it was your mother’s fault!!) they do f*** us up. Unintentional, well meaning scripting embedded from childhood holds us back. And in cold calling and selling, all these fears, phobias, prejudices, paranoia come flooding together to paralyse us. They hobble our legs, our tongue goes dry, we get butterflies in the pit of our stomach and we go to pick up the phone to make our cold calls, but then you hear that you have mail on your PC …. and you just have to check you emails. that pan is in the wrong place on your desk, the dog wants water, the cats want feeding, then the bell rings and it’s the postman …. actually I’m thirsty, let’s get a cuppa, now where was I oh yes this email, how shall I respond ……. oh look its 10:30, … got to go out for my next meeting. I’ll get back to making those cold calls tomorrow when I have more time ….. but tomorrow you find more excuses, more ways to avoid making them, more ways of “notworking”.
Some sales trainers tell you that you can avoid making cold calls by becoming good at networking and asking for referrals. And you can. 98% of my business comes from referrals. BUT IT’S TAKEN 3 YEARS TO GET HERE!!
Could I have reached that point faster? Possibly. I could have been to more than 5 networking events a week for 2 years. I could have done more than ten 121’s a week for 2 years. I could have not missed my daughter’s nativity play because I was in a networking meeting and too embarrassed to leave early during the speakers talk because of my need for approval by my peers (largely total strangers) and let down my pride and joy, my eldest daughter as she’d probably forget (actually she didn’t and still reminds me two years on!!). I could have asked for more referrals from my friends and allies.
But it takes time and it takes effort to build up that momentum. Cold calling is simply the fastest and most efficient way of building a sales pipeline to get you in front of potential buyer but most people don’t know how to do it well and fear making those calls. They fear rejection. They fear disapproval. This isn’t like asking for a dirty magazine or for men putting condoms in your trolley and looking for the male checkout worker because you’re embarrassed enough for it not to be a woman. Your dirty little secret that you avoid talking about with your mother is that you’ve become one of those people who make cold calls … or doesn’t as the case may be. If you don’t make them, then mum can’t be disappointed in you for becoming one of those nasty salespeople.
According to the DTI survey I read a couple of years ago, in 2005 43% of all new business was generated via an initial phone call. 47% via word of mouth referral, leaving all the other media 10%!!
If you’re not cold calling at all or effectively, you’re potentially leaving behind 43% of your business. Suppose it was only half that. If you grew your customer base by only 20% what would that do for your business? Your cashflow? Your lifestyle?
I teach people mental strategies to eliminate their fears and create effective behaviours, to rewrite their mental and negative emotional scripting around selling, account management and cold calling. I teach managers how to get their teams to perform better and motivate then for the behaviours that will make them successful. But the starting point always has to be the seller’s mind. That’s where the sale is won or lost. That’s where the meeting is booked. That’s where the customer establishes confidence in you as a seller. It’s not during your superb presentation. It’s not during your close.
Victory happens between your ears long before your customer ever meets you or hears your voice on the phone.
Cold calling should and can be fun. I do it but I still don’t love it. But I don’t need to. I just have to do it.
A couple of pointers to help you on your way ……
1. Mentally prepare for making calls
2. Remember the gatekeeper isn’t your mother. You don’t have to answer her questions
3. The call you make to that prospect could be the most important one s/he receives that day, week, month, and year or perhaps in their life (I genuinely believe that if I don’t get through then I’m doing them a DISSERVICE because I know I can help almost anyone who has to sell, manage, motivate or recruit salespeople.
4. Notice your mental scripts that hold you back. Whose voice is it? What’s their tonality? How do you feel?
5. Notice how you feel about making cold calls?
6. Identify your call avoidance strategies and behaviours? What triggers them? How do you act on those triggers?
Seek help. Get a cold calling buddy. Call together for support …. regularly. Become accountable to someone for your prospecting behaviour. Call each other’s prospects so you’re not emotionally attached to the outcome or the product and book meetings for each other. Obviously I’m going to say get some training (I would!!) but make sure it’s not the same old claptrap about elevator pitches and having a strong opening benefit statement – you’ll just sound like a salesperson. When you hear a cold caller on the line, what’s your reaction? Total joy? Excitement? Or you want to get him or her of the line as fast as you can? “Send me some information?” “The timing is bad call me back later” (knowing full well you won’t take the call or be there when they do call back).
Learn strategies that take the pressure off you and your prospect. Learn how to break the buyer’s pattern of behaviour and forces them to give non-stock answers and rebuttals. Find ways to get invited in, so you don’t have to ask for the appointment …. so you go as a guest not a supplier (think about that, what’s the dynamic of a guest-host relationship (who serves who?))
In conclusion, get your head on straight. Realise that much of your behaviour is driven by subconscious processes developed in your early childhood by well meaning significant others – parents, grandparents, teachers, relatives. Mark Twain said something along the lines of “The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember”. Being unable to forget the feeling of rejection, the fear of making the first call, the feeling you were doing something dirty or unsavoury, the fear of interrupting or talking to strangers may be limiting you from growing your business and providing for your family or your future.
Make a decision to be master of your own destiny. And give yourself permission to do the necessary behaviours you need to do consistently, well, over time without the need for seeking the approval of others. Life and business are tough enough as they are without having to satisfy your need for approval of an ageing or even dead parent for whom our best was never good enough. And rewrite your mental scripting so they serve you not hold you back.
Happy cold calling!
(c) Marcus Cauchi & Sandler Systems Inc 2007
Marcus Cauchi 